Hope for Family

Have you ever hoped for something that you knew would be very unlikely you would ever receive? When I was growing up I lived in fear. I remember taking swimming lessons when I was around the age of six or seven. I would stand at the edge of the swimming pool white as a ghost and the swimming instructor would be trying her best to get me to jump into the water. It was the shallow end and it wasn’t over my head. But there was such a fear in me to jump.

I heard my mom and grandma cheering in loud voices saying, “Jump!” “You won’t drown!” Then after swimming lessons were over and we were going home. My mom and grandma would encourage me the best way they knew how. Which was basically telling me to just do it. Don’t think about it and just do it.

I have carried around fear for the majority of my life. I thought if I do something I’m not supposed to do. I will not be able to give a good example. Because I didn’t ever want to disappoint anyone. I grew up thinking I was a disappointment. When I was growing up the diagnosis of mental illness wasn’t as strongly diagnosed as it is today.

It wasn’t until I was twenty one that my mom was diagnosed as being bipolar. Which after her diagnoses of bipolar she was still the same just a heavily medicated version. Which in ways was beneficial. I just lost my mom a few months ago.

I went to see her a few days before she passed away. During our visit I was fighting fear of saying something wrong like I have done so many times in the past. To be honest my fear that day was to show my mom, the love of Jesus. Then my mom made her statement telling me once again she was Catholic and she had no idea what religion I was. I started to get up to leave by telling her I am not a religion but I am a Jesus follower.

I observed she started trying to get me to sit back down and changing the subject. I also observed something else on that last visit I had with my mom. She didn’t really bring up a lot of all the past mistakes of mine to my attention but she did say she thought I wasn’t capable of doing a lot of things due to my head injury. I thought that was odd that she would say that to me. I had a car accident my senior year. My mom bringing that up right then made me still think she held that against me.

My mom never really acknowledged our boy’s birthdays, Christmas, or that she even had two grandsons. She always told me that I would never be as strong as she had to be raising me and my younger sister. My mom divorced my dad when I was ten years old.

My younger sister and I was not really close in age. So what I may experienced she wasn’t old enough to understand. My younger sister ran away at a young age. But you know when you have lived through so much chaos and fighting… during the few days preparing for moms funeral and the bitterness my sister was showing me. Throughout the whole funeral I felt peace and it is finally finished kept going through my mind.

When I kept asking my sister for a key to moms house she kept making excuses and finally sent moms last will and testament in the mail to me. But when I have held on to a hope that I really thought would ended differently… I realize that I cannot force something like family that isn’t willing to except it.

I have been going to church with my family for a little over twenty two years. This morning like most Sunday mornings for the past twenty two years was a familiar routine. The boys got up early to go run. They came back home and hurried around and got ready to go to church earlier. My husband looks at me across the table and says it’s just you and I this morning and smiles. He prayed for us and we went off to church. There was a statement made throughout the sermon this morning. Family. I know I have a lot to be grateful for… and to be honest, that has been a hope and a dream of mine to have… FAMILY!

Related posts:

The East African island nation of Mauritius is seeking to brand itself as a regional haven for blockchain innovation. The island nation has well-established financial services, information, and…

Does anyone know where I can get approved for a auto loan with a bank that will approve people with credit in the low 500’s to the high 400’s. My dad is willing to cosign as well. Any help would be…

Yogi Berra famously said, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.” Unlike some macroeconomists, Berra understood that the world is a complex system and not reducible to neat…